Desires of your heart
Part 2 of 2
… It was at the end of that sentence (see previous post) that I drew a blank and didn’t know what else to write. Although, I did but I didn’t… it was as though there was a silencing over what I wanted to say, in order to make way for what God truly wanted to say. It was then that I stepped away from the computer to have some lunch, as I was eating lunch I felt the prompt to go for a walk.
I thought: oh – but I don’t feel like it.
All the more reason to go for a walk.
I just want to bask in the presence of God
You still can – He’s still be with you. He’ll be walking with you.
Ok – as I said ok – a route was being mapped out in mind – that involved walking through a couple of parks and then stopping by the supermarket. Ok. I got myself ready with a scarf and jacket as we are entering winter here. I grabbed my house keys popped them in my pocket – walked out the door and realised I have forgotten my reusable bag – back inside I went to get it. Closed the door – to then realise the cord of my keys got caught in the door. I couldn’t just pull it out but had to unlock and open the door to get this cord free. I felt like I was being stalled or delayed. But given the most recent revealing, that God sometimes causes delay to make way for the most perfect moment – a moment where you know you needed to be in and experience. This happened once before – it’s probably happened many times – but this one time was really obvious to me.
I was in study week leading up to my final exam for my degree. I was determined that the day was going be productive in study. I dropped my son at school, came home to finish getting ready, including loading up my bicycle paniers with text-books, lunch, water – blah blah blah – everything you need for a day of study. I was keen to go, but I felt this resistance, like a force slowing me down – and then it dropped into my head that I needed to look and read an old journal entry – this was all very specific. I did, I read it twice – it was on writing my book – that I hadn’t yet started but knew I was about to start as soon as our exams we over… I was still blown away by this entry and this task that loomed ahead of me…I prayed into then and there… and then I felt this heaviness lift off me and I knew it was time to go.
I left – I went my usual route that went through a park and by the river to the bicycle path that ran parallel to the highway up to the university. As I rode along this path, in the distance, I saw an off-road dirt motorcycle circling someone. At first, I thought – maybe they know each other – as I approached he kept doing circles around this woman – and I could see just by her body language she was not comfortable with whatever was going on. As I got closer, he stopped circling her and kept moving forward. As I got closer, I slowed – as my bike is electric and had a full charge, it took me a moment to slow down to a stop. I was a few steps ahead of her and backed the bike backwards on my tippy toes to ask if she was ok.
She was not ok – she was a bit shaken by the whole thing – and she didn’t know who the guy was. Neither of us knew his intentions or – what it could have led it. My timing in that moment was perfectly orchestrated by His truly. Had I left half an hour earlier or later – who knows what would have happened to that woman. I stopped and walked with her until we reached the end of the cycle path and trafficked intersection. In that moment, I put my own needs to study aside to be able to walk with her to safety. As we got to the end of the path – she said to me – you were clearly a god-send. I said, it was the least I could do – and more than that – I knew there is power in numbers – my presence alone would have deterred that guy from trying again. As we went our separate ways, I had a chuckle to myself – because I agreed with her that in that moment, I was God sent. He knew my intentions were to study, I knew my intentions – but he also knew what was about to happen up ahead. He knew that was my usual route, He knew that he could use me in that moment, so He placed a heaviness in me that caused me to slow down – or in my words – phaff about. My plans were intercepted and put aside momentarily to represent Jesus in that moment. To represent his and the Father’s presence, and protection. And in this, I was protected too – for I can see had the guy on the motorcycle really wanted to harm her, he may have ignored my presence and harmed both of us…
This slowing down moment and what it led to was brought back to me as I got my keys stuck in the door this afternoon. I wondered what I was being slowed down for – what moment was I being prepared for. As I walked, I listened to music – not just any music but worship music. I picked the sunny sides of the streets to walk along and marvelled at the golden leaves that caught the light on the path and the red leaves that still clung to their trees. Autumn is my favourite season, and I was reminded as to why it is my favourite and I was able to bask in its beauty.
As I walked down some steps, I had many thoughts running through my head – like God knows your heart and your hearts desires – he wants your heart and your commitment to him and from there all will be added to you. Some of you may desire marriage and your own family, some may desire that dream job or house, or to be healed – he knows your desires, he knows what you want – and this is a gentle plea to stop fighting, to stop placing all your effort into finding your perfect partner (they may already be with you or near you), stop fighting for meeting your own career desires – he knows your desires. It shouldn’t be this difficult – this fight isn’t yours to fight – know your own heart and hand it over to God, allow him to bring the desires of your heart into being by simply committing to him whole heartedly.
After this moment, I stopped at park and again, I delighted in the golden glorious autumn light. I sat in a prime sunny spot – so I could feel the warmth of the sun on my face. I was basking in the sun – basking in the light of the Lord – in his warmth. Behind sunglasses I lifted my face up into the light and warmth as music danced through my ears and mind. It’s here that songs merged from one thing into another – and I have no idea what the song was called but it connected to my spirit and tears were released and gently rolled down my cheeks. The theme of these songs were on dancing freely as children of God and with the heart of child. I was reminded of a character that I started to develop last year, who was a patient in a psychiatric hospital in Nazi Germany during the second world war – she was mute and physically imprisoned; in body, and within her environment – yet there was a freedom to her that only happened through Christ. I was reminded of a scene that one character had described of her dancing freely in his dream. He saw bare feet twirling; although dirty and covered in what would have been excrement – she was clean in spirit. Her night dress white – symbolising her purity, it swirled around her like the wings of an angel. A thought intercepted this memory – You are this girl – you are this free and you will dance again, in freedom, just as she does… I felt the connection and knew it was true – tears escaped from the ducts. I knew this was true. I had not danced in many years – I mean, at least 12 years. I am not a dancer – not one as you might think. I took dance classes when I was 17 – but the true dancing freedom I had was in the privacy of my own home. You know, dance like no one is watching – yes, that was me. I would dance in my lounge room or my bedroom or the hallway – if I needed length. I’d blast my CD player to tunes of… well, whatever took my fancy at the time. I grew up listening to old school music like The Doors, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones (to name a few) and I liked the odd alternative things like Jack Johnson. If it had a good rhythm and I could feel it in my body I would dance to it – and would dance with such freedom because no one was watching or judging me on well or poorly executed moves. And maybe, just maybe I knew I missed this freedom but had suppressed it for such a long time – and it was in this moment, God was reminding me of this freedom I once had. And I was being given the promise that I will dance again with that same freedom, if I allow it – if I allow him. It was within this moment, that I saw a hand reach down and out and another hand being placed in that hand. I believe this was God’s hand reaching down to me, to lift me up – not to be saved from a pit – His hand reaching out, was to say – will you have this next dance with me? – your freedom is with me. You are my child – a child that is carefree and dances like no one is watching… yet I will dance with you – I delight in you just as much as you delight in me – but more.
I saw this hand and gesture as an extension of his love, it is an old-fashioned kind of love that is gentle and unassuming. It is in this dance; it is when you are most safe.
I was taking note on the movement of the sun and when it hid behind a part of the tree that was ahead of me, I knew it was time to go. I left and went to the supermarket and as I walked home, I reflected on all of this – and I knew that moment needed to happen – including the part with the cord of my keys getting stuck in the door. All these little things needed happen and that included skipping certain songs, in order for me to experience that moment and retell it here.
I feel He is asking for your hand; He is asking for the next dance with you – if you will allow it. He is asking for your heart and your wholehearted commitment. He’s gently saying – “stop fighting your fight, I know the desires of your heart – keep your eyes and focus on me and I will give you the desires of your heart. Don’t worry about your peers or what others may say – ‘you have to fight to get what you want’ – you don’t have to fight for your desires. I don’t want you to lose your authenticity – the person I created you to be – the free spirited dancing child that you are – the one I delight in so much.”
I don’t know what you’re holding onto or fighting for – but this may be time to let it go; hand it over to the Lord; give him your time and commitment and He will give you the desires of your own heart, if you allow Him… Just as it was revealed to me that my desire is not to work in an acute setting – yet I am waiting for it happen because I think it is what I need to get experience – and there has been delay after delay after delay. Although, I am so grateful for the delay as it has allowed me to focus on God and develop a deeper and more personal connection with Jesus. It has allowed me to try home schooling – which was a desire of my heart, however I discovered it was not for us as I discovered my son needs routine and dare I say it, my patience needs him to be at school. It has also allowed me the time and space to work from home in writing these – and yes, another desire of my heart. So, if that – and all of this is not evidence of God supplying the desires of my heart – then I don’t know what is…
He is truly wonderful in all his ways.
I pray these words have uplifted and encouraged you – and filled you with the love of God – just as it has with me. I pray that your fight – whatever it is – is severed by the sword of truth and replaced with the knowledge that it is God who supplies the desires of your heart. Wonderful and marvellous things await you… all you have to do is drop your fight and commit to the Lord. Know, I love you (I know I may not know you but I feel this is God’s love extending through me to you) – he wants to prosper you – not harm you. He wants to prosper you, not harm you. Wonderful and marvellous things wait for you on the other side of your fight – but know you don’t need to be fighting for it – because it is already yours. I pray that these words, and His word may be planted in your heart and take root as truth. I pray that these words maybe nourished by Jesus and pray that God allows growth in this area. In Jesus glorious name I pray, amen.
Author: Elizabeth New
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